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MOMMY MOMMY

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YO MOMMA

FART JOKES

GAY JOKES

BATTLE OF THE SEXES

MISCELLANEOUS

BILL CLINTON JOKES

Miscellaneous

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David
Alan Belzer, the sin of
Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of
the church. Children will be
baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
milk will please come
early.

8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing,
"Put me in My Little Bed"
accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
Club. All wishing to become
little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and
lay an egg on the alter.

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies
will start quietly and the
rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of
the new carpet. All those
wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they
may be seen in the church
basement Friday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to
our choir practice.

16. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir
will sing, "Break Forth With
Joy."

17. Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m.
Please park in the rear
parking lot for this activity.

18. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
hearing a good sermon when
A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

19. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

20. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev.
Shirley Green who has
Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the Hanging of
the Greens.

21. The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the
church basement on
Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Fifty Ways to Disrupt an Exam

Fifty fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to
fail/pass the class no matter what score you get on the final exam)

1.Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes.
Wake up, say "oh geez,
better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few
minutes early.
2.Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've go the
secret documents!!"
3.If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with
numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4.Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's
left nostril.
5.Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
your answers with
yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can
hear me thinking." Then
start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6.Bring cheerleaders.
7.Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I
don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester
long! What's the deal?
And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8.Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max
level.
9.On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
refuse to answer every
question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds
that it conflicts with my
religious beliefs. Be creative.
10.Bring pets.
11.Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
relief. Go to the instructor,
say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12.Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw
them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really
daring, ask for another copy
of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every
fifteen minutes.
13.Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14.Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head,
and nothing else.
15.Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as
vulgar as possible.
16.Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make
one up! For
math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17.Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame
it on the person nearest
to you.
18.As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19.Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping
your next video
during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be
persuasive. Tell the instructor to
expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20.Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another
seat, continue with the
exam.
21.Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how
easy it was.
22.Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it
is a multiple choice exam,
spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
23.Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked
out.
24.Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Fuck
this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25.Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the that
whether or not everyone's
done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26.Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during
the exam, you
should start crying for mommy).
27.Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
tell him/her in a very
derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get
an idea is hooked up
to a clapper. DUH!"
28.Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29.Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on
a white mask and
start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you
away.
30.Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
class is very small,
and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you
have been to every
lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31.Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you
don't really expect me
to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32.Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33.From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the
instructor's
requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way
or another, begin
whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34.Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35.If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
could possibly think of.
Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written
exam, relate everything to
your own life story.
36.Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37.Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the
exam. Insist this person
is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38.Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...
like history notes
for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're
getting kicked out too) and
staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached
notes for references as
you see fit."
39.When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40.After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer. Try
to work it out of him/her.
41.One word: Wrestlemania.
42.Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do
before concerts start.
43.Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44.Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45.Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you.
Pray to it often. Consider a
small sacrifice.
46.Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to
you every few minutes
throughout the exam.
47.During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs,
anything you can reach.
48.Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90
degree angle.
49.Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are
asked to stop, say "it helps
me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging
the instructor to find
the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use
the phrase "Told you so".
50.Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor ________ Sucks"

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he
happened on a pile of fresh horse manure. Due to the
fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he
flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate.

Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to
fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not
get off the ground. As he looked around wondering
what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up
against the wall.

He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off,
thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able
to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped
like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. Dead.

The moral to the story is:

Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit

> Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter.
She notices that
> there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are
there so many
> clocks here. St. Peter tells her that each clock
represents a person on
> earth and that every time a person tells a lie,the clock
ticks off one
> second.
>
> St. Peter explains that the one clock has never moved
because it belonged to
> mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life.
>
> The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he
only told two lies
> his whole life, only two seconds had clicked.
>
> Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?" St. Peter says,
"Bill's clock is
> upstairs in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling
fan."
>