Battle of th Sexes Jokes

MEN

A guy in a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.

"Open the fucking safe" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank" she replies, "we don't have any money,

this is a sperm bank".

"Don't argue, open the fucking safe or I'll blow your head off"

She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says

"Take out one of the bottles and drink it".

But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.

Don't argue, just drink it" he says.

She prises the cap off and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too" he demands.

She takes out another and drinks it as well.

Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's

amazement it's her husband.

"There," he says "it's not that fucking difficult is it!"

Three guys were on an island. One of the guys finds a Genie lamp in the sand and picks it up.
After examining it, he rubbed it and out popped a Genie.

The Genie said to them, "For freeing me I will grant you each of you ONE wish."

So the first guy said, "i wish I was 25% smarter."
So PUFF, he was 25% smarter, built a raft and got off the island.

The second guy said, "I wish I was 50% smarter."
So PUFF, he was 50% smarter, built a canoe and got off the island.

The third guy said, "I wish I was 100% smarter."
So PUFF, he became a woman and walked accross the bridge.

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and
he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She
has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she
wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a
certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any
way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella
did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my
suggestion? How'd it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on
the mouth, and ran out the door yelling—I'll see you in two
hours!"

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,
I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet,
jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?'

....and she's always sound asleep.

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a
young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church.
The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked,
"Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked,
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch
for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked,
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"
the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the priest .

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it" said the young man.
"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either"

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when
his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his
Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by,
the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible.
I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

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