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Gay Jokes

This guy goes into a bar and asks for 6 shots of the
strongest alcohol the bartender has. The bartender
asks, "Hey, buddy, what's wrong?"

The guy says, "I just found out my brother is
gay."

The next day, the same guy goes in to the bar
again and asks for 8 shots. Again, the bartender
asks, "Hey, buddy, what's wrong?".

The guy says, "I just found out my son is gay."

Again the next day, the guy goes up to the
bartender and asks for 15 shots. "Damn," the
bartender says, "doesn't anyone in your family like
women?"

"Yeah," says the man, "my wife!"



A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy
you a drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another
drink?"
Okay. But it won't do you any good."
Later, he invites her up to his apartment and she
replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good." They
get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most
beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my
wife."
She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."

Two gay men are walking along, and are checking out this guy across the street.
"Hey, I know that guy! He's HOT!"
"No shit..."
"Well, hardly any."

When the next earthquake strikes San Francisco, why will the gay men be the first to
evacuate?
They've already got their shit packed.

Why don't blondes wear mini-skirts in San Francisco ?
Because their balls hang out!

Did you heard of the three gay guys in San Francisco who stopped a straight woman on the
street?
Well, two held the woman while the third one did her hair.

If two lesbians and two fags leave New York for San Francisco, who gets there first?
The lesbians. While they are doing 69, the fags are still packing their shit!
or
The lesbians, who go lickety split while the fags are still packing their shit!

What is the most common phrase uttered in a San Francisco gay bar?
Hi, can I push in your stool?

Why don't San Franciscans eat gerbils?
Because they can't get their legs far enough apart.

How do you get four gay men on a barstool?
Turn it upside down.

Did you hear about the gay who got fired from the Sperm Bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.

Why did the homosexual leave home?
He didn't like the way he was being reared.

Why did he come back?
He couldn't stand to leave his brother's behind.

What do a bungee jumper and a gay man have in common?
If the rubber breaks, they're both in the shit!

Two condoms were walking along the street, when they passed a gay bar. The first said to
the second, "Want to go in and get shit-faced?"

A bartender in a gay bar was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski
mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your
dough in this bag!"
The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"
The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"
The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever
you say!"
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, "Alright,
now give me a blowjob!"
"Anything!", cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!".
The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The
bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold
the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!"

A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After answering numerous
questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy admitted that he was.
"Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you think you could kill a man?"
"My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days and days."

What do lesbians like more than Levi Jeans?
Billy Jeans.

Did you hear the one about the two lesbians who were building a house together?
There were no studs in the house at all, just tongue and groove!

Liberace was great on the piano...
But sucked on the organ.

Did you hear they were re-opening the case regarding Liberace's death?
They found the asshole that killed him!

Why did Liberace's doctor give him 6 more weeks to live?
The gerbil came out and saw his shadow.

What did River Phoenix and Rock Hudson have in common.
They both got a hold of some bad crack.

Three male friends were in a bar one evening bragging about exploits and abilities. The
conversation finally turned to a comparison of genital endowment. To prove their cases the
three men placed said topics of conversation on the bar for measurement.
Just then, another male patron, who preferred sexual partners of the same gender, entered
the bar and noticed the competition. The bartender asked the man, "What'll ya have?"
The man replies, "Well, I was going to have a beer but I think I'll have the buffet instead."

A woman brings a guy home from a bar and tells him, "We must hurry and get on with it,
my husband will be home soon."
"How soon?" asks the guy.
"Don't tell me you're gay!!" yells the woman.

Four gay men were sitting in a hot tub when a blob of semen rose to the surface.
One of the men said, "Alright, who farted?"

This gay fellow was looking in a sex shop window. He saw a large rubber cock that
appealed to him, so he went inside. He told the clerk, pointing to the big dildo, "I'll take that
one."
"Should I wrap it or just put it in a bag?" asked the clerk.
"Neither," replied the customer, "I'll just eat it right here."

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a homosexual?
A megasoreass.

This gay guy visit his doctor and says, "Uh doc, I've got something up my ass that isn't
supposed to be there."
The doctor says, "Alright, drop your pants and lets take a look." (snaps on gloves and feels
around) "Hmm, everything is all right here."
The gay guy says, "No, it's a bit higher up."
The doctor pushes his hand further in and then says, "Hmm, still nothing."
The gay guy replies, "A bit further."
The doctor presses his hand further in and says, "Why yes, there is something here...
Ouch...what's that....a rose?"
To which the gay guy replies, "Yes, it's for you."

What do doctors do with the skins after a circumcision?
They sell them to gays for gum.

When a man and woman get married, they get a marriage license. What do lesbians need?
A licker license.

A farmer walks into a city bar for the first time. He encounters a very nice looking woman,
and asks her out. She tells him she's a lesbian. He doesn't know what a lesbian is, so she
tells him, "You see that woman over there?"
(points to a beautiful woman)
"Yeah."
"Well, I want to get her into bed."
The farmer stops, and thinks for a few seconds, then says, "Well, heck, I guess I'm a lesbian,
too!"

How does a gay man fake an orgasm?
He pulls out and spits on his partner's back.

How can you tell if you've just walked into a gay church?
Only half the congregation is kneeling.

If you get malaria from mosquitoes and lime disease from ticks, what do you get AIDS
from?
Asshoppers.

What is the first symptom of AIDS infection?
A pounding sensation in your rear.

Did you hear about the lesbian swimmer who was thrown out of the Olympics?
She kept lapping the other swimmers.

What's the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?
At a straight rodeo, they yell "Ride that sucker."

Did you hear about the gay indian?
He was a brave sucker!

What happens if you spend the night in a gay bar?
You will wake up with a queer taste in your mouth.

What do you call tuna fish in a lesbian bar?
Potpourri.

Now that it's alright for gays to be in the military, I guess there will be a whole new
meaning when the sarge tells his troops, "Alright boys, bring it up the rear!"

Why can't k.d.lang lose weight while wearing make-up?
Because she can't eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on her face at the same time!

Little Johnny comes home all excited and tells his mother, "Mom, guess what? In gym class
today, I got laid for the first time!"
Little Johnny's mother got furious and tells him to go to his room and wait there until his
father gets home. When the father gets home, the mother tells him, "You wouldn't believe
what Johnny told me today. Go have a talk with him."
So the father goes into little Johnny's room and asks him, "Son, what did you say to your
mother that made her so upset?"
"Gosh," the kid says, "I just told her I got laid for the first time today."
The father tries to conceal his pride from the eleven-year-old and tells his son, "This is a little
secret we should keep just between us men, okay?"
"You mean it's alright then?" asks Johnny.
"No, I didn't say that. Just don't tell your mother," the father replies.
The next day, the boy comes home, doesn't say a word to his mother, and goes straight
into his room. When the father gets home, the mother asks him to talk to the son because
she senses that something is wrong.
The dad goes into Johnny's room and asks him, "What's wrong son? Your mother's
concerned. Did you get laid again today?"
"Are you crazy?" the boy says. "My ass still hurts from yesterday!!"